Put your phone down, psychos.

Dedicated to my girlfriends. I love you dearly! 

My girlfriends frequently ask me for relationship advice. Therefore, I am going to share this tip one time, just in case I die tomorrow or something.

So ladies, when your boyfriend unexpectedly breaks up with you:

STEP 1: You should immediately get wasted and text him eighty three times. Then, for emphasis, call him from private!

Exhibit A:

12:23AM: I'm sorry. I love you.
12:25AM: Do you hate me?
12:29AM: Fuckkk youuuuuuu.
12:33AM: Just kidding. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.
12:36AM: Actually, I did mean that F you.
12:37AM: Whoops. Wrong Text.
1:02AM: Where are youyiii????? come meet me!
1:04AM: OVER IT.
1:05AM: OVER IT.
1:06AM: OVER IT.
1:07AM: O
1:08AM: V
1:08AM: E (refills drink at the bar).
1:11AM: R
1:11AM: I
1:12AM: T
1:31AM: Just kidding. I love you. I miss you. Do you miss me?
1:33AM: FINE! I'm going home with JAKE! He's soooo HOTTT.
1:34AM: come over. I'm not kidding.
1:36AM: Where am I?
1:37AM: Are you drunk?
1:38AM: Did you get my text? I'm calling the police.
1:41AM: Fine!!! DON'T text back. We are SO DONE.

STEP 2: If this doesn't get him back, you should proceed to facebook message and/or text his ex girlfriend, his new girlfriend, his mom, his best friend, and his sister and tell them alllll about it.

STEP 3: You will then wake up in the morning with a slightly bad hangover and a restraining order against you, wondering if its best to take a bubble bath, or just kill yourself. Decisions, decisions. Don't let this mood get you down! And please, don't let a silly restraining order stop you from your mission! No matter how many times your ex tells you you're crazy, you're not. Men just LOVE playing hard to get!

STEP 4: (If necessary) He's probably super turned on that you took the initiative to text him, his mom, his girlfriend, his ex girlfriend, his best friend, and his sister so many times and he's just waiting for you to make your next move!! What is your next move? SIMPLE. Throw green beans all over his car. (Eggs are so 3 years ago) If all else fails, fake a pregnancy!

I only share my best advice with you ladies from wisdom and experience. Look at me, for instance, I'm very happy with the love of my life! My dream man is tall, hot, with blue eyes, brown hair, and is my EX-boyfriend, Joshua. (Joshua if you're out there, and you're reading this, answer your phone and message me back!! LOVE YOU!) 


Best of luck! And go get em' girls!!

Love always,

charissa explains it all  ;)

If I were a college girl.....

I have wisely decided to skip out of the college scene, a decision that, I insist, will forever impact my life for the better. Instead of living on campus, I worked full time while obtaining my bachelors degree in the evenings. This was much more complicated, but probably saved me at least three underages and two extra ex boyfriends.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of partying. I've just chosen to do it in a more sophisticated, professional manner. (thinking back......haha, sure.) I've started pondering how things might have been different had I chosen to live a normal college campus life. When it comes to the college lifestyle and trends, I am totally confused. I've created a list of a few what-if scenarios.

What if I was a college girl and...... 

A.) You offered me a Four Loko. Just to make things clear, I have never had a Four Loko in my entire life and don't intend to. In fact, I just googled Four Loko and you have to at least be 21 years old to even look at the SITE!  Are you people freaking insane? Isn't this drink beer, mixed with liquor, mixed with energy drink? Sounds disgusting to me. It also sounds cheap. Even during high school parties when everyone else was sipping on Natty Lights, I was enjoying a glass of Pinot Grigio. Please, I'm a woman of class, just give me a cosmo, a shot of tequila, and maybe a slice of pizza later on and I'm set for the night.

To whoever this image is of: (which I found on google by the way) I totally respect your lifestyle, no seriously, I would just prefer to not wake up to a heart attack. Here's a word of advice, when all else fails, put the phone down and pull your pants up. 


B.) Ben Roethlisberger Pulls His Pants Down In Front Of Me. This is a rare opportunity that not all women can say they've experienced. But if this opportunity approached me, I'm not saying I would deny it, given the situation. I'm underage, at a college bar, in my little hometown of Milledgeville, Georgia and hunky famous quarterback walks in. Two thoughts run through my mind: 1.) This is a great story to tell my grandchildren and 2.) I hope he has a condom. However, as a woman of  class, a worn down bathroom stall isn't going to cut it, take me to a pretty hotel. There's a fine line between rape, and living it up. (Whattt?!?)  I love you Ben. Let's go Stillers!

C.) I Am Asked To Join A Sorority. Wtf is a sorority anyway? Are you asking me if I want to live in a house full of bitchy, slutty, pms-ing women for years during my college life? In that case, the answer is no. I would rather chug bleach. But to be fair I would thoroughly consider it. It may be a great Resume builder. I am an active member in my community and take part in several charities, so that's a plus. Sorostitutes, I mean Sororities are really big on giving back. Forget it. I said the same thing about girl scouts, the answer is no.

(I tried to find a great image for this section, but every time I googled "sorority" porn came up!! How odd.)

D.) I Was Forced To Live In a Disgusting Dorm. I visited a friend in his disgusting frat house once. As expected, he lived with 5 other guys. The environment he lived in was post nuclear. Garbage was piled throughout the house, pizza that looked like it had been weeks old was sitting on the counter, and the place reeked of old beer. That's really cool and all, but I couldn't do it. I prefer my clean, quiet apartment. Plus, there is much less of a chance of catching AIDS in my apartment.

Anyway, I suppose I did miss out on a few opportunities. But I did give the lifestyle a chance! I went to one "frat" party at age 18. During the party, every single guest ended up drenched in beer, and I spent the majority of my evening hiding in the closet with my best friend, from the police. From that point on, I learned that it simply wasn't the lifestyle I wanted to pursue.

I have no regrets. For me, college was a bit different. I was very focused on getting honor roll, and getting out! And I did so with many more interesting stories. I traveled to Paris. I met Tom cruise. So on, and so forth. And all of this was done free of four loko and embarrassing pictures! haha.

Have fun with your friends!  Be safe, Be classy. Don't pull your pants down in front of cameras. 


Xoxo,

Charissa Explains It All ;) 

Charissa Explains It All, Part 1

I've created a blog, because I definitely don't write enough, and definitely don't have the time for it, and probably will quit after my vacation from work is over. 


The name of my blog is pretty ironic. Normally when I tell people my name, Charissa, they respond by saying "like Clarissa Explains It All??" No assholes. My life is not even close to a nickelodeon show. But if that's what it takes for you folks to remember it, then sure, like Clarissa Explains It All. Ironically, I do explain it all. In a less PG-13 kind of way. So, welcome to my life! I hope it entertains you all as much as it entertains me!

A little bit about me....hmmm...I am 22, but feel at least 32. I'm a typical white girl, with an unfortunate big mouth. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. I'm a law student. I work for a firm handling sales and real estate legal matters, to the best of my ability, and listen to grown men complain about their wives all day. I have a fascination with ghosts, Egypt, books, and weird people.


I am also the Senior Market Editor for Front Row Monthly, which is ideally what I want to limit myself to! I've been in the fashion/entertainment business for pretty much my entire life. Worked as a model, actress, junior booking agent, and a few other things. For Front Row: I write articles, interview terrific people, grace the most fabulous events with my presence, meet rock stars and talk to disney studs on the phone, stay as up to date as possible with breaking fashion/arts and culture news! It's very exciting. I am pretty exciting as well. At least I like to think so. It's nice waking up having no idea what my day will bring.


It's currently Thanksgiving Break. This "break" was given to me involuntarily. I don't believe in "breaks" and this is why. I end up catching up with everything I've had to do and start doing pointless things like writing a blog, or beginning my 7th book, that has yet to even see a publisher. I work with 7 men. 7 men who hunt. So while they are off killing and feasting on animals during this wonderful season, I am stuck with 4 unnecessary days off.


Last night I....enjoyed white wine and appetizers with my roommate/slutwhore/friend, met up with a wonderful girl at Nakama. Enjoyed drinks with a group of Italian men  (One thought he was from the Jersey Shore, which was sweet),  almost knocked down a large mirror, traveled to Bossa Nova, which is pretty swell, enjoyed drinks (water at that point) and the company of a group of delightful jewish men, danced to Rihanna's "We Found Love", danced to Britney Spears' "Toxic", craved Chinese food, went home, ate Chinese food, bed.


Today I....woke up surprisingly not hungover, painted my nails, read a few chapters of a book that hasn't been released yet, organized my closet, partially overdosed on hydroxycut, went to the gym, finished an article, searched for models, talked to a friend, fought with my parents, watched a surprisingly decent Lindsay Lohan movie, finalized a few details for an event, sent a few emails, and now I am writing this blog. Useless.  


During my time off, I have learned a few valuable lessons:


A.) Never pre-game with white wine.
B.) Work as much as possible. 
C.) Sometimes your promiscuous roommate has great life advice. 
D.) If a man asks me what my father does for a living, he is probably not the man for me.
E.) Dancing is a great escape. Psychologically, and physically. 
F.) It is possible to sleep for 17 hours straight. I did it yesterday. 
G.) Black Friday may very well be overrated. 
H.) No matter where you are, you can always, always put everything on Mike's Tab. Poor Guy.
I.) Bathroom Holders are very useful and worthy of tips. She saved me 7 years bad luck when I slipped into a full size mirror. 


Overall, my first 4 days off have been productive. I finished a ton of articles that I have been sitting on, and began and finished my Christmas shopping.  But now I am bored. So I am asking, if I am employed by you, please give me something to do to amuse myself for the next 2 days. Otherwise you are forced to read my "blog". 


Love Always,


Charissa