Don't Drink And Farm. (creepy craigslist)

Sometimes when my best friend and I are bored we like to make fun of craigslist ads. I'm not sure why or how we've come up with this hobby. But nevertheless, it is entertaining. A while back, we came across a post from a man...looking for a woman. He explained in his ad that he had lost his penis in a "rare farming incident" and that he is looking for a relationship based on more than just sex, (Who isn't?!) given that he can no longer perform. Shit happens I suppose. By the way, I lost my vagina in a rare skydiving incident. That's right, my entire vagina flew off. I have no idea where it went. Last I heard it was somewhere in Tennessee.

Anyway, after almost dying of laughter, my initial reaction was "wow, really??! poor guy" leading to...."What the hell kind of farming incident resulted in the loss of your penis?"  Did a horse eat your penis? Did a tractor run you over? Gentlemen, please be safe while farming. Don't drink and farm. 


This very ad is what led me to craigslist for amusement. I only hope that it amuses you as much as me! Here are a few of my current favorites: (People are like, weird.)

1.) Tired of husbands who won't do anything for you anymore? Tired of sticking to your ridiculous vows?
Husbands are lame and you know it. Stop being so damn ridiculous and have some fun. Oh, and if you are single, you should hit me up too. (I give this one points for creativity, great attention grabber!) 


2.) Looking for an Asian Woman Experienced in Massage-65-Pittsburgh. (I don't know of one man in the world that ISN'T looking for an Asian woman. But dude, you're 65, you should just give up.) 


3.) Are you considered a slut??-43-New York- I am real, this ad is 100% real. Are you considered a slut? I want a LTR and maybe eventual marriage with you. I don't want to change you, i want you just the way you are. Want to remain the way you are but wish you had an understanding man to love you. Im here. Send me a pic and put "slut" in subject. I will answer all real ads so what do you have to lose? (See sluts, there are men out there who will love you! Violins.) 


4.) This Santa is not looking for Milk and cookies! This Santa is looking for naughty woman to host and provide him with a BJ...in return Santa will leave nice gift$ Please share info age, part of city, married/ single, when available and picture.....Santa is looking to hear from you soon....with the right woman this could be Xmas weekly.....please put BJ in subject line..... (Um?! I don't know about you Santa but I get "$$$" for Christmas without passing out "BJ's")


5.) I Just Want A Hand Job-Male-49-Pittsburgh (Props for Honesty)


6.) Foot Bitch.-Male-26-Pittsburgh-About me: I am a college educated, normal, sane guy. I am 145lbs, thin-ave build, white guy. I have a good, professional job, and I enjoy what I do. I am basically looking for a woman who wants her feet kissed, massaged and worshiped. I will lick your feet and sensually suck on your toes. I give very relaxing foot massages. You can treat me like your servant boy. I want to spoil you and obey you. I am a real person. It's getting close to Christmas and the Steelers take on the 49rs on Monday. Please put "Serve Me!" in the subject line so I know you are real. (Craigslist is definitely the place to meet foot bitches) 


Ladies if you must search for a man on craigslist, please be careful! You might end up with this...

Or this....

Or in some cases, this....

I love all of you psychos, have a GREAT Tuesday! 


Xoxo, 


charissa explains it all.


Am I going to get in trouble for this??? 

Is this real life?

I'm becoming to notice that I'm in a very strange transforming stage in my life. I'm 22, which basically means I'm too old to act young and too young to act old (I think). I act young anyway. So many things are changing! Here's what is new in my life......

I'm trying to slowly ween myself off of my mother, which is entirely more difficult than I thought it would be! This means I no longer can call her at 3am when I've had a bad dream, or creepy men are standing outside of my house, or if I'm craving chocolate, or if I need to go shopping, or if I can't decide between chinese food or mexican, or if I need someone arrested, or if I get a ticket, or if I want to quit my job! I guess I should learn to be more independent and start listening to her voice in my head instead of bugging her so much. (Easier said than done.) Growing up is unnecessary, in my belief, but I suppose it has to be done.

My youngest brother and I have also become oddly close, which was totally unexpected considering we are polar opposites. Aside from the fact that he is in that whole 16-year-old-carry-a-pocket-full-of-condoms-just-in-case-I-happen-to-need-one-even-though-I'm-still-a-virgin phase, he is actually a pretty neat kid. He's in a band, and is actually pretty good. I forced him to let me be the band's manager, which is sweet.

My roommate is a prostitute. I don't understand this at all. A creepy overweight man just left my apartment. I'm very over her whole "erotic massage" business.

My best friend is manic depressive and refuses to go out with me. But I'm making new friends. Tonight I am spending the evening with Kim and Aless. I'm sure many adventures are to come. I put together a stunning black and gold ensemble. This was not to root for the steelers, gold is very in this season. I care about football almost as much as I care about hockey. I'm looking forward to a girls night.

I am almost certain that law school is some kind of sick joke. But I deal with it. I'm doing surprisingly well in school. I'm wondering if I have home field advantage. I have full access to the library at all times, and know many lawyers that I can dial and complain to. I just finished my last final and am ready to full tackle winter break charissa style.

My boss wants me to develop a set schedule and stop checking my e-mail. But I'm too busy scheming ways to turn Front Row Monthly into a multi million dollar business. It's only a matter of time. (Anybody with some money should invest now.) I'm meeting with my soul sister/co-worker/girlfriend Bella tomorrow to work out the details to a rather impressive marketing plan (Her Idea). She's a genius.

It's hard to work 2 jobs plus school plus managing a column and now a blog! I am anticipating my big break in life. I am anticipating New York for New Years, MTV style with the 3 best girls that ever happened to me. And throughout the craziness I am certain that these are the best days of my life.

Until Next Time,

charissa explains it all ;)

My current muses: My mom. American Horror Story. Britney Spears' new album. Rihanna. Nicki Minaj. Drake. Babe Walker. Bella. Aless. cortny. Kim. 

HAPPY DECEMBER

Hello Darlings,

The new issue of  Front Row Monthly is out today. (www.frontrowmonthly.com) You can read some of my greatest pieces! In December, I was privileged to interview the fabulous Babe Walker of popular twitter @WhiteGrlProblem. The girl is no where near as bitchy as she comes off! Totally sweet. And she had the cutest loubitins and chanel purse I have EVER seen! She even sent me a copy of the manuscript, which I finished in 2 evenings! You know one of those books that you cannot put down for a second?! White Girl Problems is that book!! Out on January 31st!

Plus, if you enjoy ready the funny shit I like to vent about on here then you'll love the feature I wrote about her! Is it true that the famous white girl problem herself had a labiaplasty on her vagina? check out the new December issue on our website and find out! Also had a great interview with Fashion Designer Washington Roberts and the founder of Africa Fashion Week New York! Lots to enjoy!

Well anyways, I've been so busy with December that I totally forgot about January and went straight to February! (My bad Gina) I need to get to straight to work and prepare you guys with some more gossip, fashion, and bullshit to amuse yourselves with! Who's next on my celebrity list? Find out January ;)

Love Always,

charissa explains it all.

Put your phone down, psychos.

Dedicated to my girlfriends. I love you dearly! 

My girlfriends frequently ask me for relationship advice. Therefore, I am going to share this tip one time, just in case I die tomorrow or something.

So ladies, when your boyfriend unexpectedly breaks up with you:

STEP 1: You should immediately get wasted and text him eighty three times. Then, for emphasis, call him from private!

Exhibit A:

12:23AM: I'm sorry. I love you.
12:25AM: Do you hate me?
12:29AM: Fuckkk youuuuuuu.
12:33AM: Just kidding. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.
12:36AM: Actually, I did mean that F you.
12:37AM: Whoops. Wrong Text.
1:02AM: Where are youyiii????? come meet me!
1:04AM: OVER IT.
1:05AM: OVER IT.
1:06AM: OVER IT.
1:07AM: O
1:08AM: V
1:08AM: E (refills drink at the bar).
1:11AM: R
1:11AM: I
1:12AM: T
1:31AM: Just kidding. I love you. I miss you. Do you miss me?
1:33AM: FINE! I'm going home with JAKE! He's soooo HOTTT.
1:34AM: come over. I'm not kidding.
1:36AM: Where am I?
1:37AM: Are you drunk?
1:38AM: Did you get my text? I'm calling the police.
1:41AM: Fine!!! DON'T text back. We are SO DONE.

STEP 2: If this doesn't get him back, you should proceed to facebook message and/or text his ex girlfriend, his new girlfriend, his mom, his best friend, and his sister and tell them alllll about it.

STEP 3: You will then wake up in the morning with a slightly bad hangover and a restraining order against you, wondering if its best to take a bubble bath, or just kill yourself. Decisions, decisions. Don't let this mood get you down! And please, don't let a silly restraining order stop you from your mission! No matter how many times your ex tells you you're crazy, you're not. Men just LOVE playing hard to get!

STEP 4: (If necessary) He's probably super turned on that you took the initiative to text him, his mom, his girlfriend, his ex girlfriend, his best friend, and his sister so many times and he's just waiting for you to make your next move!! What is your next move? SIMPLE. Throw green beans all over his car. (Eggs are so 3 years ago) If all else fails, fake a pregnancy!

I only share my best advice with you ladies from wisdom and experience. Look at me, for instance, I'm very happy with the love of my life! My dream man is tall, hot, with blue eyes, brown hair, and is my EX-boyfriend, Joshua. (Joshua if you're out there, and you're reading this, answer your phone and message me back!! LOVE YOU!) 


Best of luck! And go get em' girls!!

Love always,

charissa explains it all  ;)

If I were a college girl.....

I have wisely decided to skip out of the college scene, a decision that, I insist, will forever impact my life for the better. Instead of living on campus, I worked full time while obtaining my bachelors degree in the evenings. This was much more complicated, but probably saved me at least three underages and two extra ex boyfriends.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of partying. I've just chosen to do it in a more sophisticated, professional manner. (thinking back......haha, sure.) I've started pondering how things might have been different had I chosen to live a normal college campus life. When it comes to the college lifestyle and trends, I am totally confused. I've created a list of a few what-if scenarios.

What if I was a college girl and...... 

A.) You offered me a Four Loko. Just to make things clear, I have never had a Four Loko in my entire life and don't intend to. In fact, I just googled Four Loko and you have to at least be 21 years old to even look at the SITE!  Are you people freaking insane? Isn't this drink beer, mixed with liquor, mixed with energy drink? Sounds disgusting to me. It also sounds cheap. Even during high school parties when everyone else was sipping on Natty Lights, I was enjoying a glass of Pinot Grigio. Please, I'm a woman of class, just give me a cosmo, a shot of tequila, and maybe a slice of pizza later on and I'm set for the night.

To whoever this image is of: (which I found on google by the way) I totally respect your lifestyle, no seriously, I would just prefer to not wake up to a heart attack. Here's a word of advice, when all else fails, put the phone down and pull your pants up. 


B.) Ben Roethlisberger Pulls His Pants Down In Front Of Me. This is a rare opportunity that not all women can say they've experienced. But if this opportunity approached me, I'm not saying I would deny it, given the situation. I'm underage, at a college bar, in my little hometown of Milledgeville, Georgia and hunky famous quarterback walks in. Two thoughts run through my mind: 1.) This is a great story to tell my grandchildren and 2.) I hope he has a condom. However, as a woman of  class, a worn down bathroom stall isn't going to cut it, take me to a pretty hotel. There's a fine line between rape, and living it up. (Whattt?!?)  I love you Ben. Let's go Stillers!

C.) I Am Asked To Join A Sorority. Wtf is a sorority anyway? Are you asking me if I want to live in a house full of bitchy, slutty, pms-ing women for years during my college life? In that case, the answer is no. I would rather chug bleach. But to be fair I would thoroughly consider it. It may be a great Resume builder. I am an active member in my community and take part in several charities, so that's a plus. Sorostitutes, I mean Sororities are really big on giving back. Forget it. I said the same thing about girl scouts, the answer is no.

(I tried to find a great image for this section, but every time I googled "sorority" porn came up!! How odd.)

D.) I Was Forced To Live In a Disgusting Dorm. I visited a friend in his disgusting frat house once. As expected, he lived with 5 other guys. The environment he lived in was post nuclear. Garbage was piled throughout the house, pizza that looked like it had been weeks old was sitting on the counter, and the place reeked of old beer. That's really cool and all, but I couldn't do it. I prefer my clean, quiet apartment. Plus, there is much less of a chance of catching AIDS in my apartment.

Anyway, I suppose I did miss out on a few opportunities. But I did give the lifestyle a chance! I went to one "frat" party at age 18. During the party, every single guest ended up drenched in beer, and I spent the majority of my evening hiding in the closet with my best friend, from the police. From that point on, I learned that it simply wasn't the lifestyle I wanted to pursue.

I have no regrets. For me, college was a bit different. I was very focused on getting honor roll, and getting out! And I did so with many more interesting stories. I traveled to Paris. I met Tom cruise. So on, and so forth. And all of this was done free of four loko and embarrassing pictures! haha.

Have fun with your friends!  Be safe, Be classy. Don't pull your pants down in front of cameras. 


Xoxo,

Charissa Explains It All ;) 

Charissa Explains It All, Part 1

I've created a blog, because I definitely don't write enough, and definitely don't have the time for it, and probably will quit after my vacation from work is over. 


The name of my blog is pretty ironic. Normally when I tell people my name, Charissa, they respond by saying "like Clarissa Explains It All??" No assholes. My life is not even close to a nickelodeon show. But if that's what it takes for you folks to remember it, then sure, like Clarissa Explains It All. Ironically, I do explain it all. In a less PG-13 kind of way. So, welcome to my life! I hope it entertains you all as much as it entertains me!

A little bit about me....hmmm...I am 22, but feel at least 32. I'm a typical white girl, with an unfortunate big mouth. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. I'm a law student. I work for a firm handling sales and real estate legal matters, to the best of my ability, and listen to grown men complain about their wives all day. I have a fascination with ghosts, Egypt, books, and weird people.


I am also the Senior Market Editor for Front Row Monthly, which is ideally what I want to limit myself to! I've been in the fashion/entertainment business for pretty much my entire life. Worked as a model, actress, junior booking agent, and a few other things. For Front Row: I write articles, interview terrific people, grace the most fabulous events with my presence, meet rock stars and talk to disney studs on the phone, stay as up to date as possible with breaking fashion/arts and culture news! It's very exciting. I am pretty exciting as well. At least I like to think so. It's nice waking up having no idea what my day will bring.


It's currently Thanksgiving Break. This "break" was given to me involuntarily. I don't believe in "breaks" and this is why. I end up catching up with everything I've had to do and start doing pointless things like writing a blog, or beginning my 7th book, that has yet to even see a publisher. I work with 7 men. 7 men who hunt. So while they are off killing and feasting on animals during this wonderful season, I am stuck with 4 unnecessary days off.


Last night I....enjoyed white wine and appetizers with my roommate/slutwhore/friend, met up with a wonderful girl at Nakama. Enjoyed drinks with a group of Italian men  (One thought he was from the Jersey Shore, which was sweet),  almost knocked down a large mirror, traveled to Bossa Nova, which is pretty swell, enjoyed drinks (water at that point) and the company of a group of delightful jewish men, danced to Rihanna's "We Found Love", danced to Britney Spears' "Toxic", craved Chinese food, went home, ate Chinese food, bed.


Today I....woke up surprisingly not hungover, painted my nails, read a few chapters of a book that hasn't been released yet, organized my closet, partially overdosed on hydroxycut, went to the gym, finished an article, searched for models, talked to a friend, fought with my parents, watched a surprisingly decent Lindsay Lohan movie, finalized a few details for an event, sent a few emails, and now I am writing this blog. Useless.  


During my time off, I have learned a few valuable lessons:


A.) Never pre-game with white wine.
B.) Work as much as possible. 
C.) Sometimes your promiscuous roommate has great life advice. 
D.) If a man asks me what my father does for a living, he is probably not the man for me.
E.) Dancing is a great escape. Psychologically, and physically. 
F.) It is possible to sleep for 17 hours straight. I did it yesterday. 
G.) Black Friday may very well be overrated. 
H.) No matter where you are, you can always, always put everything on Mike's Tab. Poor Guy.
I.) Bathroom Holders are very useful and worthy of tips. She saved me 7 years bad luck when I slipped into a full size mirror. 


Overall, my first 4 days off have been productive. I finished a ton of articles that I have been sitting on, and began and finished my Christmas shopping.  But now I am bored. So I am asking, if I am employed by you, please give me something to do to amuse myself for the next 2 days. Otherwise you are forced to read my "blog". 


Love Always,


Charissa